By: Sapir Sela
You’re packing your child’s lunch on another regular Tuesday morning. Out of the blue, your child looks at you and says, almost offhandedly, “Mom’s new boyfriend said you don’t really love me.”
The words seem small. But they hit like a stone. In that moment, your child isn’t just speaking, they’re relaying someone else’s judgment. A message planted by someone outside the parental relationship, but delivered with a child’s trust. Parental alienation isn’t always loud or obvious. It can come through friends, new partners, even extended family. But the responsibility to shield a child from it still rests with the parent.
And while the legal consequences are serious, especially in North Dakota and Minnesota, the real harm is quieter: it takes root in the heart and mind of a child still learning what love, loyalty, and safety are supposed to mean.
When Conflict Crosses a Line
All custody disputes are difficult. Parents don’t always get along, and emotions run high. But when a parent begins to manipulate a child’s perception of the other, whether out of pain, resentment, or a desire for control, it can cross a line into parental alienation.
Parental alienation happens when one parent, intentionally or not, begins to turn the child against the other parent. It might begin with a few casual criticisms. A suggestion that the other parent doesn’t care. A warning that they’re dangerous, irresponsible, or dishonest. The child doesn’t always have the tools to discern what’s happening, but they begin to absorb it.
Eventually, they start to believe it. They become the messenger, repeating claims and accusations that didn’t come from their own experiences. “Dad never shows up.” “Mom said you lied about everything.” “No wonder he’s late again.”
At first, it may seem like the child is just upset or confused. But if left unaddressed, those feelings can harden into permanent beliefs, and a previously strong bond can begin to unravel.
What the Courts See
In both North Dakota and Minnesota, judges look for signs of alienation in custody disputes. The guiding principle is always the best interest of the child. A central part of that standard is each parent’s ability and willingness to support the child’s relationship with the other parent.
When one parent is actively undermining that relationship, the court considers it harmful. Judges know that when a child is encouraged to reject a parent without justification, that child is being emotionally manipulated, even if the alienating parent believes they’re acting out of love or protection.
If alienation is proven, the court can take corrective steps. Parenting time can be adjusted. Custody may be modified. In some cases, therapy is ordered to help repair the relationship between the child and the alienated parent. The court’s goal is not to punish anyone, but to preserve the child’s emotional health and ensure they have meaningful access to both parents whenever it’s safe.
If You’re Being Alienated
If you’re the parent hearing words like “Mom said you’re lying” or “Dad said you don’t love me,” it can feel like your world is tilting sideways. You may feel helpless, angry, or scared of losing your child emotionally. These feelings are valid and the situation is serious.
The most important thing you can do is stay calm and focused. Emotional outbursts, even if understandable, often backfire in court. Instead, start observing carefully. Document what your child says, pay attention to shifts in behavior, communicate respectfully with your co-parent, and preserve written records of important interactions.
It’s also wise to speak with a family law attorney early. North Dakota and Minnesota courts often rely on guardian ad litems and other professionals to assess a child’s best interests in contested cases. An experienced attorney can help you present your concerns in a way that keeps the focus where it belongs: on the child, not the conflict.
If You’re the One Doing the Alienating
This is not an easy conversation, but it’s an essential one. Sometimes alienation begins unintentionally. You’re hurt, angry, and betrayed. And it’s tempting to vent, especially around someone who loves and trusts you – your child.
But children are not equipped to manage adult conflict. They don’t have the emotional tools to navigate loyalty battles. When a parent consistently frames the other as bad, dangerous, or unloving, the child doesn’t become closer to the favored parent. They become more anxious, more insecure, and more likely to suffer long-term emotional damage.
The Real Cost
Alienation is deeper than legal disputes. Research shows that children who are subjected to parental alienation often have mental health problems as adults. Many lose contact with the alienated parent entirely, and some grow up to regret it deeply, realizing too late that they were manipulated.
What makes alienation especially painful is that a child is half of each parent, and when you criticize or reject the other parent, your child often internalizes it as a rejection of themselves. Over time, this can erode their self-esteem, sense of identity, and emotional stability.
If you recognize that you’ve been critical of your co-parent in front of your child or discouraged their relationship, there is still time to shift. Co-parenting therapy, individual counseling, and conscious communication strategies can help. More than anything, it’s important to remember that your child’s relationship with the other parent is not a threat to you, it’s a vital part of their emotional development.
Alienation doesn’t always shout. It whispers. It operates in actions, not just in words. And by the time it is loud enough to hear, the harm may already be done.
It is essential to consult with an experienced family law attorney who understands the specific laws in your jurisdiction. Contact the SW&L family law team at 701-297-2890 or email us at: [email protected].
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