It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and unsure where to start, as if everything needs an answer immediately, while your heart and mind are still catching up. You might be grieving, angry, scared, or just numb, all while being asked to consider serious decisions about children, finances, housing, and your future.

If any of this feels familiar, take a breath: you don’t have to figure out everything today. The fact that you’re here, learning and looking for clarity, is already a strong first step. There are a few practical moves you can take now to protect yourself emotionally and legally as you sort through what comes next.

Below is a checklist you can use as you weigh your options and consider a divorce. Some items may not fit your situation, but please take what helps, skip what doesn’t, and talk to a family law attorney at SW&L for advice tailored to your specific situation.

First things first: assess safety

Before anything else, check on immediate safety for you and your children.

  1. If you feel unsafe, make a safety plan.

This can include staying with family, contacting a local domestic violence agency such as the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center, or seeking a domestic violence protection order.

  1. Avoid escalating conflict in the home.

If you’re still living together, keep interactions calm and brief where possible. This isn’t about “being nice” but rather about reducing risk and preserving stability.

*If safety is a concern, speak with a lawyer before raising divorce with your spouse.

CHECKLIST

  • Get clarity on your “why” and your goals → Divorce is a legal process, but it starts as a human one. A little emotional clarity now prevents costly chaos later.
    • Write down what’s driving this decision. Not to prove anything to anyone, just to see your own thoughts clearly.
    • List your top 3 priorities. For example: a stable schedule for the children, keeping the house, avoiding a drawn-out court fight, financial independence, etc.
    • Considering counseling. Even if divorce still happens, therapy can help you navigate it with a steadier footing. Whether individual, couple, or family counseling, many people use counseling to confirm their decisions or separate more thoughtfully.
  • Quietly gather key documents → You don’t need to “prepare your case” right now, but you do need a clear picture of your life and finances. Start collecting copies (paper or digital) of the following:
    • Financial Basics:
      • Last 3-5 years of joint and/or individual tax returns.
      • 12 months’ worth of pay stubs/ proof of income for yourself and your spouse.
      • Bank statements (checking, savings, money market).
      • Credit card statements.
      • Retirement accounts, pensions, 401(k).
      • Mortgage statements/lease documents.
      • Car titles, loan statements.
      • Insurance policies (health, life, auto, home).
      • Any business ownership records, if relevant.
    • Family & Household:
      • Marriage certificate.
      • Prenuptial/postnuptial agreements.
      • Children’s birth certificates.
      • Social security cards.
      • Insurance cards and breakdown of benefits and cost.
      • school/childcare info, activity schedules.
      • Medical records, if relevant.
      • Proof of monthly living expenses (receipts, invoices, etc.).
      • Deed.
      • Tax assessor statements/appraisals on homestead and other real property.
  • Learn your complete financial picture → Many people (especially when one spouse handles the finances) don’t understand their financial landscape until divorce is already underway. Fix that early.
    • Get a free credit report in your name. Look for unknown accounts or unusual debt.
    • Make a simple inventory of assets and debts. Include things like house, cars/recreational vehicles, savings, retirement, business interest, loans, credit cards, etc.
    • Start a realistic post-separation budget. Know what it costs to run your life and your children’s lives. This helps with support decisions later.
  • Create financial breathing room (without hiding assets) → There’s a difference between stabilizing yourself and playing games. Courts punish dishonesty, but recognize practical needs.
    • Open a bank account in your own name if you don’t have one. This is about having a safe place for your paycheck and paying basic expenses.
    • Check with your bank to see if a refinance is possible and/or necessary.
    • Avoid draining joint accounts or moving money secretly.
  • Start documenting parenting patterns → If you have children, custody and parenting time are often at the heart of the case. Courts care about stability and what’s already been happening.
    • Keep a simple calendar of parenting routines. For example: school drop-offs, bedtime, medical appointments, extracurriculars, etc.
    • Take photos/videos of your participation in the children’s lives.
    • Pay attention to any changes in your child’s physical/emotional health and document them.
    • Retrieve important school records. For example: attendance records, report cards, certificates/awards, etc.
    • Save key parenting communications. Don’t bait arguments, but do keep records if something becomes relevant later. Text messages and emails are key in custody matters.
  • Don’t make any major moves yet → This is where well-meaning friends can accidentally steer you wrong. Before you do anything big, get legal advice.
    • Do not move out with no plan, especially when there are children.
    • Do not kick your spouse out of the home, especially if they do not have an alternate safe and secure place to live.
    • Do not agree to a parenting plan “just for now” without understanding the legal impact.
    • Do not make any large purchases or sell property.
    • Do not post details on social media.
  • Talk to a family law attorney early → You don’t have to be “ready to file” to speak to a lawyer.
    • Schedule a consultation. An early consultation can help you understand likely timelines, what custody or support might look like, how to protect yourself and your children, how to safeguard your finances, and whether early negotiation, settlement, or mediation could be a good fit.
    • It’s also smart to compare a few attorneys’ retainers and hourly rates. For context, many cases begin with a $5,000 – $7,000 retainer, but how far that retainer goes depends on the attorney’s hourly rate, so knowing your budget and their rate upfront matters.
    • Find an attorney who fits your needs. Take time to read reviews and do a little research on the lawyers you’re considering, and look for someone whose approach aligns with what you want and need.
  • Build your support team → Divorce is emotionally and logistically heavy. Don’t white-knuckle it alone.
    • Consider a trusted friend or family member who can stay calm and grounded with you.
    • Financial adviser (especially in higher-asset cases).
    • Tax adviser/accountant to help you understand filing status, deductions, and future tax impact.
    • Therapist. As mentioned before, this can be an essential anchor.
    • Support group or divorce coach. This can be especially helpful if you want guidance and community from people who’ve been through it.
    • Children’s therapist or school counselor if your children need extra support during the transition.
    • Child care plan. Line up reliable care, whether that’s before/after-school programs, daycare, or help from family and friends, since you may not be able to rely on your spouse once the divorce begins.
    • Workplace support. It can also help to loop in your boss early about what the next few months may look like, and ask about flexibility for attorney calls, mediation, or court appointments during work hours.

You don’t have to decide today.

People often reach out feeling like they must “commit” to divorce immediately. You don’t. Think of this stage as getting informed and getting steady. Whether you reconcile, separate, mediate, or litigate, these steps help you move forward from a place of strength instead of panic.

How we can help.

At SW&L Attorneys, we know divorce isn’t just paperwork. It’s your life, your children, and your future you’re trying to protect in a time that can feel deeply uncertain.

When you’re ready to take the next step, we’re here as a steady, trusted advisor: someone who listens without judgment, lays out the real pros and cons, and helps you choose a path that aligns with your values and goals. With a clear head and deep understanding of family law in North Dakota and Minnesota, we guide you through one of life’s hardest transitions and help you build a way forward with confidence and care.

To book a consultation, please contact SW&L’s family law team at 701-297-2890 or email us at: [email protected].

The information contained in this article and on this website is for informational purposes only. Do not rely on the information on this website as legal advice. Please refer to the full disclaimer here.